


Blatant Manipulation of War Hero Status

by yrelec



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cell Phones, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Epistolary, F/M, Fluff, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Hermione Granger is a Good Friend, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Humor, M/M, Potions, Slow Burn, Texting, gryffindors are idiots, modern epistolary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26028322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yrelec/pseuds/yrelec
Summary: Hermione says to stop.Plot:It's the eighth year and inter-house relations havoc ensues. It's yet another texting AU.Ron: how many pages is the Charms paperHarry: no ideaHermione: two pagesRon: you know what,Ron: let's just skip itRon: yer the boy who lived what they gonna doRon: expel you?Harry: ronHarry: I like the way you think
Relationships: Dean Thomas/Ginny Weasley, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom/Blaise Zabini
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	1. Sept. 20 - 22

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know how to text

**SEP 20**

Dean Thomas _added_ Seamus Finnegan _to the chat_

Dean Thomas: we should make a group chat

Seamus Finnegan: I think I’m like the only non muggleborn w a phone

Dean Thomas: cappin

Seamus Finnegan: maybe add Harry?

Seamus Finnegan: He’s got to have one

Dean Thomas: they might

Dean Thomas: I mean now that we’re out it would make sense

Dean Thomas: right?

Dean Thomas _added_ Harry Potter _to the chat_

Dean Thomas _changed chat name to_ tower team

Seamus Finnegan _changed chat name to_ dorm dudes

Dean Thomas _changed chat name to_ gryffindor

Dean Thomas: Harry back me up

Harry Potter: group chat?

Dean Thomas: yeah

Harry Potter: should I add Ron

Seamus Finnegan: he has a phone?

Dean Thomas: suck it

Harry Potter: Hermione bought him one

Harry Potter: no idea why she spent all that money

Harry Potter: sus

Harry Potter: probably side gig racketeering

Dean Thomas: ooh vocal check

Seamus Finnegan: He has a PHONE?

Harry Potter _added_ Ronald Weasley _to the chat_

Harry Potter _added_ Neville Longbottom _to the chat_

Harry Potter: yo

Harry Potter: guess who’s back

Ronald Weasley: back again

Neville Longbottom: how do I turn on notifications

Harry Potter: guess who’s back..

Ronald Weasley: tell a friend

Ronald Weasley: I don’t know the next lyric

Dean Thomas: ??

Seamus Finnegan: why do you have a phone

Ronald Weasley: why do you

Seamus Finnegan: cause dean told me to get one

Ronald Weasley: fair

Dean Thomas _changed name to_ Dean

Dean: don’t leave to window open when you go down to breakfast next time

Dean: it was

Dean: so cold

Dean: I almost died

Harry Potter: is that why you created this gc

Ronald Weasley: selfish selfish

Ronald Weasley: bloody roommates

Ronald Weasley: stop being the mom friend

Seamus Finnegan: it's September mate

Dean: It’s irresponsible

Dean: hypothermia

Dean: one less friend in grief tower

Ronald Weasley: good riddance

Seamus Finnegan: what if we like being irresponsible

Seamus Finnegan: irresponsible is my calling

Seamus Finnegan: gosh

Seamus Finnegan _changed name to_ Seamus

Seamus _changed name to_ quidditch bastard

quidditch bastard _changed name to_ lunatic

Ronald Weasley: can you not

lunatic: can’t not

Dean: yo don’t beat up on an indecisive man

Harry Potter: can and I will

lunatic: can’t and won’t

Harry Potter: sod off

Harry Potter _changed name to_ roonil wazlib

Ronald Weasley _changed name to_ hairy p

roonil wazlib: nice

Dean: Ron change it

Dean: thats gonna be

Dean: hella confusing

hairy p: inus

roonil wazlib: N I c e

hairy p: never

hairy p: this will be my name forever

hairy p: inus

hairy p: inus

Dean: no

hairy p: otter

lunatic: no homo though

hairy p: no homo

roonil wazlib: no homo

Dean: no homo

lunatic: hah neville didn’t say no homo

hairy p: gay

roonil wazlib: homosexuality

lunatic: @ neville come defend urself

5:54

Neville Longbottom: uh

Neville Longbottom: no homo

7:23

roonil wazlib: sounds gay to me

hairy p: hella

Neville Longbottom: I don’t know whats going on

lunatic: defense failed

lunatic: final verdict

lunatic: FULL HOMO

roonil wazlib: gaaay

Dean: wait

roonil wazlib: gaaaay

Dean: W A I T

Dean: jury’s still out

Dean: neville

Dean: listen carefully

Dean: were you

Neville Longbottom: to what

Dean: wearing socks

Neville Longbottom: what does that have to do with it

roonil wazlib: the socks neville, utmost importance

hairy p: ??

lunatic: my god I can’t believe

lunatic: I forgot such crucial evidence

lunatic: neville

Neville Longbottom: I’m wearing socks? My striped ones

Neville Longbottom: blue

Neville Longbottom: I think the house elves keep trying to steal them

hairy p: ???

hairy p _changed name to_ socks?

socks?: is anyone going to explain

socks?: help

Dean: drumroll

lunatic: no homo bypass

Dean: dumbass no

Dean: no homo insurance

Dean: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

roonil wazlib: nationwide is on your side

Dean: why are you quoting American tv you bloody moron

8:01

**2 idiots and Hermione**

socks?: how many pages is the Charms paper

roonil wazlib: no idea

socks?: gee thanks harry

Hermione: just two

Hermione: is socks? ron

roonil wazlib: yeah

socks?: yeah

socks?: ok thanks mione

roonil wazlib: ONLY two?

roonil wazlib: you realize that’s going to take me like seven hours

roonil wazlib: 8th year is such a scam

socks?: just skip it

Hermione: ron!

Hermione: NO

socks?: yes

Hermione: no

socks?: yes <3

socks?: yer the boy who lived what they gonna do

socks?: expel you?

roonil wazlib: ron

roonil wazlib: I like the way you think

Hermione: that’s not how this is supposed to work

socks?: are u kidding

socks?: harry can do whatever the fuck he wants

Hermione: harry

socks?: even if he does get expelled he’s got an aurora position reserved

socks?:he could coup and the late minister would ask for an autograph

Hermione: harry,

Hermione: do your work

roonil wazlib: what’s stopping me from not?

Hermione: I’ll be

Hermione: disappointed

socks?: oh god no

socks?: don’t skip it harry

roonil wazlib: sorry Hermione I’ll do it

Hermione: you better

8:15

roonil wazlib: do you ever think about how the Slytherins never go to sleep?

roonil wazlib: their sneaking out of the common room

Hermione: they’re*

Hermione: just go to sleep harry

roonil wazlib: I wonder what they’re doing

roonil wazlib: it looks suspicious

socks?: don’t make any noise when you

socks?: come back up to the common room

socks?: neville isn’t snoring for once

socks?: we are all trying to sleep

roonil wazlib: I need to get in on that sleep action

roonil wazlib: a miracle

Hermione: please go to sleep

socks?: gn

roonil wazlib: gn

11:50

**Slytherins**

sexy: draco harry’s going to give you a run for your money

sexy: he stares at us more than you stared at them back in 2nd year

sexy: I get that my tits are perfect but

malfoy: cunt

sexy: I’m just saying

00:03

**SEP 22**

**Gryffindor**

socks?: can you believe the nerve of some people

Dean: did Slughorn assign partners again

socks?: YES

socks?: a month into the year and he’s already making changes

socks?: I was hermione’s partner

socks?: I can’t believe I’m going to have to fail

lunatic: who are you partnered with now

lunatic: wait

lunatic: let’s guess

lunatic: bullstrode

socks?: oh god no

Dean: finch-fletchley?

Dean: or- patil

roonil wazlib: he’s been paired up with corner

lunatic: BIG OOF

socks?: I’m going to actually die

socks?: I can’t stand more than a conversation with him

Dean: what an asshole

lunatic: In this house we bully Micheal corner

roonil wazlib: corners such a tosser

socks?: bloody hell

roonil wazlib: why couldn’t slug see all the problems with that

socks?: why canny he pair me with you??

socks?: we’re war heroes

socks?: why deserve to pull rank

roonil wazlib: no one here will pull rank

roonil wazlib: but still I’m his favorite

lunatic: didn’t corner date ginny at one point

socks?: I KNOW

socks?: disgusting

socks?: that’s my sister

Dean: I dated your sister does that make me disgusting

socks?: yes

roonil wazlib: …

socks?:don’t get me started

socks?: I rub my eyes with scourgify every night

lunatic: harry’s snogging ur sister

lunatic: imagine what they get up to on his bed

lunatic: harry’s very good at muffliato

roonil wazlib: can u not

socks?: Shut up shut up shut up

Dean: harry’s probably gone a lot further with her than I ever did

Dean: and let me tell you

Dean: she can be crazy

lunatic: 20 knots he’s touched her tits

roonil wazlib: stop talking about my girlfriend like that

socks?: stop talking about my SISTER like that

Neville Longbottom: stop talking about women like that

Neville Longbottom: ginny is very nice

lunatic: hey neville

Dean: yo

socks?: Thank you

Neville Longbottom: just saying

Neville Longbottom: no wonder it took you lot all so long to get girlfriends

lunatic: fresh coming from you

Neville Longbottom: I’ve had more girlfriend’s than you have Seamus

Neville Longbottom: and I’m a botany nerd who can’t do magic

Dean: roasted

roonil wazlib: didn’t you go to yule with ginny?

socks?:noooo not another one

Dean: ginny has mad game

Dean: Seamus you’re left out

roonil wazlib: he’s been awfully quiet since neville tossed him

socks?: sick one, neville

10:33 am

socks?: anyways Micheal Corner!?!? Really?

roonil wazlib: to be fair that’s one of the best pairings of the class

roonil wazlib: you could have ben stuck with malfoy

roonil wazlib: you could be neville

Dean: neville’s paired with malfoy? That won’t go well

roonil wazlib: no he’s paired up with Zambini

roonil wazlib: but there right behind malfoy and bones

socks?: their*

socks?: but still

socks?: Corner?!?!?

lunatic: get over it pansy

Dean: rip neville

Dean: 2 Slytherins breathing down his back

11:14

**Slytherins**

sexy: good luck surviving potions

sexy: you’ve got longbottom right there

sexy: might turn you into a frog

blaiseit: not that bad

sexy: not that bad?

sexy: are you coming down with a cold?

sexy: quick, get pomphrey

blaiseit: blessing in disguise really

blaiseit: I can do all the work and he won’t mess up the potion

blaiseit: slughorn can’t complain

malfoy: Blaise? Being an optimist?

blaiseit: can’t I not be aloof all the time

sexy: sounds like zamboni has a crush

sexy: is it the clumsy oafishness that does it for you?

sexy: the grotesque Gryffindor swagger?

sexy: the doe-eyed dopey look of a man child?

blaiseit: he’s got decent eyes for a Gryffindor don’t get me wrong

malfoy: no homo?

blaiseit: full homo,

blaiseit: but nah

blaiseit: just want an O in the class

sexy: you’ve made your point

blaiseit: plus, malfoy’s right in front of me

blaiseit: bottom’ll spill the potion over him not me

malfoy: god

malfoy: the horror

sexy: -Joseph Conrad

11:18


	2. Sept. 27-28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quidditch practice starts.

**SEP 27**

**Ginny**

roonil wazlib: are you in the library

Ginny: yeah

Ginny: studying w Hermione

roonil wazlib: im lonely

roonil wazlib: come join me in the common room

roonil wazlib: please

Ginny: no <3

roonil wazlib: why not

roonil wazlib: don’t you love me

Ginny: I love the idea of passing my newts more

roonil wazlib: ;-;

Ginny: harry

Ginny: baby

Ginny: don’t be sad

roonil wazlib: can I come join you?

Ginny: I thought you hated the library?

roonil wazlib: I do

Ginny: aww

Ginny: you’d do that for me

roonil wazlib: yes

Ginny: simp

roonil wazlib: I know

Ginny: I’ll be waiting

Ginny: love you

roonil wazlib: love u 2

5:30

**2 idiots and Hermione**

Hermione: Ron you’d never believe it

Hermione: I think harry’s sick

socks?: deathly ill?

Hermione: yes

Hermione: he’s just shown up in the library

socks?: blimey harry is everything all right?

Hermione: he says he’s here for ginny

socks?: disgusting

Hermione: if you say so

5:42

**Ronald**

Hermione: you should come to the library too.

Hermione: if harry can come for his girlfriend, you too can make the effort

socks?: fine

Hermione: wow what enthusiasm

socks?: I won’t like it

socks?: wouldn’t you rather let them have their date and come here

socks?: george sent me a book you might like

socks?: he got it in the muggle world apparently

Hermione: what is it?

Hermione: I promised I’d help ginny with arithmancy

socks?: looks weird

Hermione: you can bring it on your way

Hermione: what’s the title

socks?: utopia

socks?: by Thomas more

Hermione: really?

socks?: sounds like one of those sigh fry novels ur always going on about w harry

socks?: bloody boring

Hermione: actually!?

Hermione: how did George get that? Don’t tell me he went into the muggle world for it

socks?: he didn’t say

socks?: I’m sure that would have been a sight

socks?: ok on my way

Hermione: love u!

socks?: sounds like u love George more but ok

5:43

**Gryffindor**

lunatic: when are you gonna come up with results for the quidditch team

lunatic: harry

lunatic: harry

lunatic: harry

lunatic: harry

lunatic: it’s been a week

lunatic: it’s not that hard

lunatic: harry

lunatic: please

Dean: yeah harry

Dean: we’ve been waiting

roonil wazlib: well

roonil wazlib: shit

Dean: you forgot didn’t you

lunatic: no!

lunatic: I feel betrayed

lunatic: harry did I get on the team

lunatic: harry

lunatic: harry

6:22

**New Chat**

roonil wazlib _added_ Ritchie Coote, Ginny, Dean, Demelza Robins, _and_ socks? _to the chat_

roonil wazlib: sorry guys

roonil wazlib: slipped my mind

Demelza Robins: who is this

roonil wazlib: ah sorry

roonil wazlib _changed name to_ Potter

Potter: this is the quidditch team roster for the next school year

Potter: and the official chat

Potter: Chasers are Ginny, Dean, and Robins

Potter: obviously

Potter: ron is keeper

Potter: Coote is beater

Potter: since peakes is unfortunately no longer here with us, I am still screening some lower classmen

Ginny: and you are,

Ginny: I’m assuming

Ginny: seeker

Potter: yes

Ritchie Coote: thank god voldemorts dead

Ritchie Coote: maybe we can finally have a normal quidditch season

Potter: hopefully

Potter: I’m planning on winning this year

Potter: it should be good considering most of the 8th year quidditch players never returned

Potter: it’s been a while since we’ve played together

Potter: frankly I don’t know why I’m team captain I’m fairly shit at it

Potter: and I didn’t even play quidditch last year

Potter: but oh well

Ginny: what a rousing speech for the beginning of the year

Ginny: I feel so inspired

Potter: you’ll all do well no matter what I say

Ritchie Coote: I recall you not liking my playing a lot in 6th year

Potter: you’re still the best option

Potter: I’m just hoping you improve

Demelza Robins: y’ouch

Demelza Robins: get roasted

Ritchie Coote _changed named to_ frankly, offended

Demelza Robins: oh yeah?

Demelza Robins: get this

Demelza Robins _changed name to_ and glad about it

frankly, offended: rude

and glad about it: get over it

Dean: we are all over 5th year here

Dean: isn’t that a bit unfair to the younger kids

Potter: I’ll talk to McGonagall about it

Ginny: that is strange isn’t it

Ginny: they should have more than 1 team per house

Ginny: or at least host tryouts every year

Potter: maybe I’ll get some bench kids too

Potter: that’s a good idea: substitutes.

Potter: robins, coote, please change your names to something more recognizable

and glad about it: sorry captain

and glad about it _changed name to_ robins hood

frankly, offended _changed name to_ cooties

cooties: is this acceptable

Potter: sure

socks?: I’m keeper?

socks?: hell yes

socks?: thanks harry

robins hood: hey, how come Weasely gets to keep his name like that

robins hood: favoritism

Potter: Ron, change your name too

socks?: why?

socks?: this is discrimination

socks?: I’m your best friend harry

socks?: please

Potter: ron

socks?: you don’t know what this’ll do to me

socks?: this is the worst

Potter: ron i swear to merlin

Potter: I will forge a howler from your mother

socks? _changed name to_ Weatherby

Potter: thank you.

Potter: all right everyone, I should have the new beater chosen by the end of the week

Potter: first practice will be tomorrow in the field

Potter: we’ll just start without them as I will not let this cup slip through my fingers again

Weatherby: already?

Ginny: I’ll be there

Ginny: Ron ill hex you if you are late

Dean: Ron, don’t be late

Dean: I’ll be there

robins hood: copy

cooties: copy

Weatherby: I won’t be late

Weatherby: harry you’re turning into Oliver wood

Potter: that would be

Potter: my worst nightmare maybe

Ginny: even lestrange cowers behind wood’s supreme power

6:29

**Gryffindor**

lunatic: and I’m not even on the team?

lunatic: this is slander

Potter: sorry Seamus

Dean: you can still come watch

lunatic: I’m being jipped

lunatic: harry I’m a better player than Coote

lunatic: there’s an empty spot

Potter: frankly, Seamus, no you aren’t

Potter: I’m sorry

Potter: I’m not going to give you preferential treatment just because your in my dorm

Dean: you know he’s going to be angry for a while right

Potter: he’ll get over it

Weatherby: Seamus stop being butthurt

6:30

**Slytherin**

malfoy: I wonder why potter looks so anxious

sexy: no idea

blaiseit: trouble in paradise maybe

sexy: where even are you that you can see him

malfoy: we’re at dinner

malfoy: where are you guys

malfoy: I’m sitting all alone here

malfoy: there’s only bulstrode here to keep me company

malfoy: I don’t want to talk to her

sexy: then switch tables

sexy: gonagall doesn’t care

blaiseit: we're eighth years we’re supposed to have inter-house unity

blaiseit: go ask potter why he’s anxious

malfoy: no

sexy: I hope potter has a hernia

malfoy: pansy why are you so violent

malfoy: and again

malfoy: where are you

sexy: none of your business

malfoy: you leave me to suffer alone

7:08

**Gryffindor**

Weatherby: god who rigged a screaming yoyo to the grffyindor dorm entrance

Weatherby: gave me a right heart attack

Weatherby: how do you turn it off

Dean: not me

Dean: isn’t that George’s product? Shouldn’t you know how to work it

Weatherby: I can’t get it to turn off

Potter: silencio maybe?

Weatherby: no

Weatherby: tried that

Weatherby: it’s so fucking loud

Potter: on my way

Dean: good luck with that

Dean: I’ll avoid it

Dean: just so you know, it wasn’t Seamus either

Dean: he was with me this whole time

Neville Longbottom: do you have to text so much

Dean: yes

Neville Longbottom: it wasn’t me

Weatherby: AUDIO. 32840 sent

Dean: well shit

Neville Longbottom: good luck with that

7:23

**2 idiots and Hermione** ****

Weatherby: HELP

Weatherby: Hermione

Weatherby: please

Weatherby: it’s urgent

Weatherby: time sensitive

Weatherby: we need your help right now

Hermione: On my way!

7:23

**Ginny**

Hermione: I can’t believe your brother made me sprint to their dorm for a bloody screaming yoyo

Ginny: ?

Hermione: they’re idiots, the lot of them

Hermione: we’d be better without them

Ginny: amen

Ginny: is the solution resolved?

Hermione: yes

Hermione: he cast silencio wrong

Hermione: it’s been 7 years

Hermione: and he still can’t do basic magic

Hermione: he’s fought wizard terrorists

Ginny: I know

Ginny: he’s the family disappointment

Hermione: I don’t understand how

Hermione: I like him

Ginny: I don’t understand it either hermione

Ginny: I really don’t

Ginny: it’s such a shame

Hermione: it really is

Hermione: harry was no help either

Hermione: what an idiot. For someone who defeated the most powerful wizard maybe ever, he sure can’t do charms

Ginny: knowing who he really is a curse

Ginny: I much preferred it when I could defy his image

Hermione: right?

Ginny: we would make a powerful lesbian couple

Hermione: we would

Hermione: I wish I liked women

Ginny: life would be so much easier for you

Ginny: realizing I was bi was the best moment of my life

Hermione: please send your prayers, I’ve got to now deal with the aftermath

7:25

**Potions Student Chat**

Weatherby: all right which one of you booby-trapped our room

7:27

**SEP 28**

**Potions Student Chat**

Weatherby: really?

Weatherby: no one’s going to own up to it?

Weatherby: ur all cowards

Weatherby: I’ll duel you

Marietta Edgecomb: shut it Ron

Marietta Edgecomb: no one even knows what you’re talking about

张秋: could you leave this for after class

Weatherby: no

7:49 am

**Slytherins**

malfoy: pansy were you the one who created the ruckus in the Gryffindor dorm room

malfoy: if so

malfoy: I congratulate you

malfoy: what did you do?

sexy: don’t underestimate my trap laying skills

sexy: they haven’t even seen the half of it

malfoy: will you own up to it?

blaiseit: why would she? This is so much more amusing.

7:56

blaiseit: did you see that the Gryffindor team has started practicing?

blaiseit: they’re one player short

blaiseit: out on the field

blaiseit: is it just me or does weasley get hotter every year

malfoy: what?? Why haven’t we started yet

malfoy: please tell me you’re talking about the younger one

blaiseit: both

malfoy: merlin’s beard

sexy: cradle robber

malfoy: don’t encourage him

sexy: what do you care

sexy: gayboy

sexy: don’t tell me you’ve never snuck a peak at his ass

malfoy: 1. I’m not gay

malfoy: 2.

malfoy: that’s repulsive

malfoy: this is Weasley we’re taking about

blaiseit: he is a war hero

blaiseit: war heros can get it

sexy: preach

malfoy: you said out on the pitch right?

blaiseit: yeah

blaiseit: walked past it on my way to the greenhouses

sexy: isn’t that a bit out of the way of the greenhouses

malfoy: why are you going to the greenhouses

blaiseit: why did you ask me where they were practicing?

malfoy: I have to scout out competiton

sexy: you sure you don’t want to look at Weasley’s ass

malfoy: please stop

blaiseit: it’s not redhead’s ass he’s planning on ogling

blaiseit: it’s potter’s

malfoy: STOP

sexy: reaching high, Malfoy

sexy: gold digger much?

blaiseit: lmao

blaiseit: go big or go home

sexy: I can’t believe I’m going to be friends with the guy who finally turns Harry Potter

blaiseit: imagine the headlines

blaiseit: “does Harry Potter is gay”

malfoy: I can’t believe I’m friends with you all

9:24

**Author's Note:**

> Yellow my jello I'm whipped  
> Send raspberries.
> 
> ㅛ  
> ㅂ  
> |ㅒ|  
> ㅠ  
> ||
> 
> man.


End file.
